Confessions Of A 'Twenty-Something' Rock Chick

Here We Go Again…

confessionsxofxaxteenagexrockxchick — Tue, 14 Jun 2011 14:21:08 +0000

So my boyfriend of almost two years, who was planning to ask me to marry him at the end of May/early June while on holiday (I found this out recently) broke up with me at the beginning/middle (it was ongoing- no exact date) of May because he has lost all of his feelings for me. He says he doesn’t love me anymore. Life has been awful. It’s crazy; I don’t understand how you can be so in love with someone one minute, and then have no feelings for them the next. The good news is I’ve lost two stone (28 lbs) so I’m at my happy weight, which is 9 stone (126 lbs) I’m living with a friend at the moment while I try to sort out a place to rent with another friend. Back on the citalopram and I’ve been seeing loads of my friends. Hoping that he’ll realise…

Confession No. 12: I Blog In SECRET!

confessionsxofxaxteenagexrockxchick — Wed, 09 Feb 2011 21:38:27 +0000

I’ve been updating my blog tonight, mainly sorting out old posts that were ‘uncategorized’ and tagging. My other half is sitting downstairs eating his dinner. He doesn’t know that I have been blogging for almost three years. Or that I have a blog. In fact, no-one does, except for my best friend, who has probably forgotten that my blog exists by now. It’s probably wrong that I do this, as my partner and I have been together for almost a year and a half. We live together and recently lost a baby. We’re committed to each-other, but this is one thing I haven’t told him about. If I told him, he’d probably want to read it, and then I’d have to start censoring myself, post by post. As I’m writing this I’m listening out for him coming up the stairs, so that he doesn’t come up and ask what I’m doing. It sounds deceitful, but I’m not hurting him or anyone else by blogging anonymously; I’m doing this for myself. There is no personally identifiable information at all. Got to go…! More soon!

I had to stop writing then- my boyfriend just came in, but he’s gone back downstairs for a moment. As I was saying… So I’m not harming anyone by doing this, but I still feel quite guilty. Just a moment ago I felt like telling him, but it all felt a bit silly really; why should he have to know? I’m honest in all other respects! My Creative Writing tutor asked if any of us blogged the other day- I didn’t even admit to it then! I wonder why this is, as it’s not as if anyone could google my name and find this… Hmm…

Interesting Jobs, Uniqueness, & School: How We Are Both Limited And Liberated By The Education System & The Job Market

confessionsxofxaxteenagexrockxchick — Tue, 08 Feb 2011 22:28:14 +0000

I was on the train the other day and overheard a man talking about his previous jobs. He mentioned many creative vocations including being a wedding planner and working in marketing. People seem to talk about work a lot on the train. Just yesterday a woman was telling a friend about working at a bank, and a few weeks ago I listened to a whole conversation about apprenticeships. I know teachers, restaurant employees, people who work in banks, or in industry, a councillor, a celebrity hairdresser, quite a few managers, and members of the armed forces. People seem to be doing such interesting and diverse things with their lives. It makes me wonder how they got to doing these things, and especially how one can possibly jump from career to career and excel, despite these careers being largely different.

When we talk to our family we (or they) are always asking after other family members; how they’re doing at school- how many As they have, and finding out about a family members new job. Perhaps your cousin has been head-hunted, or your uncle has changed career for the sixth time and is doing fabulously. My partner’s sister has just found another job that pays fantastically (and like me, she’s a student!) Everything you hear about other people sounds so fantastic. I’ve only had one job. I’m almost 21, and I’ve worked at two fast-food restaurants (same chain) over the course of three years. I wish that I could have the chance to experience different vocations. At my age, and with my limited opportunities though, the chances seem pretty slim. I’d like to try my hand at journalism, marketing, writing professionally, and fashion/games designing, as well as my chosen vocations of teaching and writing for children.

However, these days, we are brought up to study a wide range of subjects, while choosing specialisms per se, but as a young person I find myself limited by the choices that I made when I was too young to know what I wanted out of life, or what my strengths and weaknesses were. I am only just realising that to be good at anything, all you have to do is put in the effort every single day. I could have been a singer or an artist, or a business manager, if I had wanted to be, or been given the opportunity to develop the relevant skills. We have to choose our subjects at age thirteen/fourteen when we think we know what we would like to do with the rest of our lives, before changing our minds later on (in many cases). I chose Geography, ICT and French at GCSE, abandoning the latter when A Levels came along, and wishing I had taken History, but not being able to do anything about it. I have been constrained by an Education system that failed to offer more choice and quantity of subjects to choose. This affected my choice at A Level, My choice of University and course, and ultimately, the rest of my life.

I envy people whose schools offer Accelerated Learning Programmes, a wide breadth of subjects to choose from and more work placements and workshops. There are schools that do offer these fantastic things to the people who want them, but there is a lack of these in many parts of the country where people who would love these opportunities cannot have them. So I listen to the people talking about their multiple careers and business opportunities and wish that I could have had a better chance to put myself out there and be qualified for numerous vocations. For example, I have great love and knowledge of History, but I can never teach it, as I did not choose this subject at GCSE, when I was thirteen. There’s a big world of surprises and opportunity. Dazzling careers await. But how can we be qualified for more than a few of these, and utilize our talents effectively in order to make ourselves attractive to employers?

Missed Miscarriage (Updated)

confessionsxofxaxteenagexrockxchick — Sun, 30 Jan 2011 21:05:39 +0000

I had an ultrasound last week and found out that my baby had no heartbeat… the baby had died at 8 weeks, and I was supposed to be 11 weeks pregnant. Yeah. Words just can’t describe how I feel right now. I really can’t wait to be pregnant again but we are waiting until September (if we can) Can’t believe this happened. I’ve gone through so many horrible things in my life; it seems so unfair that this has had to happen to me. I had to have an operation to remove the ‘products of conception’ and I spent most of that day, while waiting for the operation, lying in the hospital bed staring at the ceiling, thinking. Never again will I have a first child. It was nice that we had a picture:

What Happened To Rebecca In Wonderland?

confessionsxofxaxteenagexrockxchick — Fri, 26 Nov 2010 18:21:36 +0000

About six years ago now, or maybe less, I discovered a website that doesn’t exist anymore but was at this url:

http://www.freewebs.com/rebecca-in-wonderland/ I used to visit her website all the time; she talked about living with anorexia and it was compelling stuff. I was also having major issues with my weight, although looking back I was actually a lot thinner than I thought I was.
I wonder if she’s ok now. In the unlikely event that she would read this, I hope she would get in touch. It’s a strange feeling to worry and wonder about people you read about on the internet. It’s like they’re a close friend. I think I even had her on my old myspace account.

I Really Want One :(

confessionsxofxaxteenagexrockxchick — Sun, 21 Nov 2010 17:46:49 +0000

My boyfriends sister just brought their other sisters baby up to say hello to me. She can’t really do that yet because she’s only seven weeks old. I’ve wanted to be a mum for about three years now. I’m 20 and in the middle of an english degree before training to be a teacher so I can’t really interrupt my studies and just have one, as it will be hell trying to do a PGCE with a young child to care for. I’m not stupid but if I could have a child now I really would! You know when people say that they are glad that they can give other peoples’ babies back, well I never want to, even when they are screaming! Screaming seems to be just a minor annoyance. I’ve got to wait at least three years before it is my turn

My Dirty Little Secret

confessionsxofxaxteenagexrockxchick — Sun, 21 Nov 2010 15:59:16 +0000

I just realised that I keep blogging on a Sunday and I suppose it’s because my OH is always working so I have maximum privacy and maximum time because it’s a Sunday. I have never told anyone that I blog. I have been doing this for a few years now, and it’s my dirty little secret. I think I haven’t told anyone because it’s like a diary; it’s comforting for the whole of the internet to read your diary but for know one to know that it is you writing it. It’s nice to anonymously interact with others. None of my family, friends, or internet friends know that I do this. It would be funny if they read this without knowing it was me, but that is highly unlikely. If they read every post and took notice of the dates however, they probably would figure it out!

Feeling A Bit Low Today But Not Sure Why…

confessionsxofxaxteenagexrockxchick — Sun, 14 Nov 2010 17:05:45 +0000

Says it all doesn’t it? I spent an hour peeling potatoes earlier while listening to my iPod and I have vacuumed; I have no issue about doing things for other people but sometimes it makes me depressed when I don’t use my time to do something for myself; to improve my day somehow by being constructive. Perhaps I need to start using my SAD lamp again? I feel really lethargic and I don’t want to do anything despite knowing that I have an essay to work on. I totally gutted our bedroom the other day (except for the messy cupboard!) and have since messed up the wardrobe while frantically hunting for my work hat. So the bedroom could again do with a little tidying. Don’t. Want. To.

I have gone 5 days without chocolate; a huge achievement for me so after dinner I am allowing myself a small chocolate bar. I plan to go 6 days a week without chocolate and have a small bar every Sunday. It will put the excitement back in choosing treats and will hopefully help me shift a few stubborn lbs. I’m feeling so meh today; I can’t wait until my OH gets home; surely a cuddle will help me feel better with the release of Oxytocin in my bloodstream? Hope so.

My Oh-So-Healthy Fantasy Shopping List

confessionsxofxaxteenagexrockxchick — Wed, 03 Nov 2010 00:10:03 +0000

(That I may add to)

When I was a child, even as young as 4, I would imagine what my shopping list would be, what furniture I would buy, how I would decorate my house, etc. Is that weird?

- Weetabix and Cheerios
- Wholemeal bread
- Brown rice
- Bananas, tangerines, raspberries, blackberries, goji berries (for cereal), apples (for my OH only)
- Sweet potatoes
- Heinz Spaghetti, Heinz Baked Beans
- Wholewheat flour, pasta
- Peppers, peas, carrots, swede, runner beans, sprouts, cauliflower, broccoli, squash, leek, onions
- Mature cheddar
- Eggs, Oily fish, Tofu (not vegetarian anymore but can come in handy)
- Skimmed milk
- Noodles
- Dolmio pasta sauce, Uncle Ben’s Sweet & Sour
- Mince, various meat but not too much
- Butter beans, red kidney beans
- Kale and salad (YUCK!!)
- Vegetables to stir fry esp with bamboo shoots (mmm!) I stir fry with water.

Anything key that I missed? What meals could I make from these? There are lots of things I don’t like; I like or can at least tolerate the above food though.. I wish I could be like my OH and love all healthy food.

I Binged, And Now I Feel Awful!

confessionsxofxaxteenagexrockxchick — Tue, 02 Nov 2010 23:57:40 +0000

It’s been a long time since I did that. Today I haven’t eaten anything nutritionally valuable, except for a multivitamin. I had:

Lucky Charms x2
140g chocolate
Cheese spread on toast x2 (white bread ick but ran out of brown) and then didn’t eat for hours..
Cheese sandwich, crisps, and
the rest of a chocolate trifle that luckily, was bought for me, but still it was supposed to serve two people. I didn’t want to eat that much but I had no choice as you can’t keep it for that long, as it contains cream.

I think things went wrong with the Lucky Charms at breakfast time. I’m so addicted to them. It costs me £4.95 a box because I live in the UK. They are amazing.

Usually, my daily food intake looks something like this:

Weetabix
Sandwich (with brown bread)
Banana or I squeeze the juice out of a tangerine (some days)
Whatever for dinner, but usually get 2 veg
140g chocolate

Which is better, but still not good. It looks like we will be getting a place of our own soon though. As we will be doing all of the food shopping I’m pretty sure that I will be cooking us very healthy meals.

I’m very health conscious, but sometimes it isn’t always applied practically. It’s difficult when you live with other people and they choose/cook the meals. Right now I feel disgusting and I’m not sure whether to go on the Wii Fit Plus for a bit to make up for it or not.

Our room is looking beautiful, but my essay isn’t done yet. I can’t work in a messy room. Says a lot?