I’m Sad Beyond Sad & I Know How To Kill Myself Completely Painlessly…
But I’m not going anywhere just yet. I’ve taken to crying for hours in the evenings. I’m sleeping for approximately 14 hours every day, and if I’m not sleeping during those hours then I’m in bed staring at whatever happens to be within my line of vision. Sometimes I barely eat anything, and sometimes I binge. I jump at everything. I leave my shower until the last possible opportunity. I don’t leave my flat unless I’m going back home, need food or bleach. I haven’t even payed my rent yet. I keep hoping and hoping that he’ll change his mind…maybe I’m just kidding myself that it’s his bipolar disorder that causes him to break up with me like this. Maybe I want to avoid the truth. But he says he wants to come up and see me. He says he wants to come up and give me cuddles. He knows I need it, and he knows it helps me fall asleep. My life just seems totally pointless because without him, there is no joy. I don’t enjoy anything anymore. I begin an activity only to discard it within five minutes. I don’t even want to listen to music anymore. I just want to sleep all the time. Anyway, I know what to do when the time comes. And one day for sure, that time will come. I’m not going to die a natural death. I know that I will kill myself in the end. I know myself.
Please don’t do it. There are other reasons for living, even though you might not know what it is. Its out there. I already lost two friends. I don’t know you, but if I can change one person…just one. Its April now, so I don’t know if you already done it…but you are writing blogs for a reason. :\
I have been going through a similar experience. My wife had suddenly ended our 12 year marriage last year. My wife and I both suffer from mental disorders. Though it was almost a year ago since the break-up, the past 3 months have been the worst. I too, don’t want to leave the bed, and I either feel so numb in the stomach that I can’t eat or feel anxious and binge. Although life just seems hopeless it is not. Nothing stays the same. Just the way you found your boyfriend and had good times and bad times so is life. Don’t generalize the agony you are experiencing to all of life. Nobody knows the future, except that a present situation whether good or bad will not last forever. I am currently looking for professional therapy and I advice you do the same. You will be surprised what a good therapist can do. The agony can go from present experience to become a memory of the past. Please seek the help of a therapist, you’ll find purpose and joy in life. They offer real tools that are effective. Don’t worry about the pace of your progress or any set backs. Just like a successful business’s profit chart there will be ups and some downs to recovery but the overall line is heading upwards. This is hard to see while experiencing a set back but the progress is there. I wish the best and please don’t let go.
I know how it feels.
My son took his life. I am so sad. I can understand why someone is driven to do such a thing. But spare a thought for the likes of me…….a mother who found her son……….dead……….worst thing I have ever experienced in my life. My god! to see you own child dead is a pain you will never get over.