Was Drinking Alone…
Before my birthday meal at 8pm. Just sat there chugging away. I was pissed off with my stepmum for not even making an effort to pretend that she cares. And I was feeling lonely.
Was very very very tipsy (double vision, lightheaded, etc etc) and no-one noticed. My dad knew I’d bought alcohol, which he told me to hide in my room, but he didn’t know I drank a whole bottle of WKD (the 700ml one) to myself in less than 15 minutes. Not that I’m used to alcohol. I freely admit I’m a terrible lightweight. The great thing was, I was so relaxed and apathetic (is that the word?) You know when you just don’t care that you have to wait in the restaurant for 40 minutes before you get seated while everyone else is complaining,,,you just sit there, peacefully staring into space…
Then I sobered up. I could tell I was sober because the fog in my head cleared, and I started to get pissed off with my stepmum giving me dirty looks across the table. Why? I don’t know. She’s gone out of her way to make it obvious that she doesn’t care about me or my 18th birthday. Well fuck her. She can just go to hell in a handbasket. That’s where she belongs. Bitch.
My dad apologised to me for her behaviour. I said I didn’t care. And in a way I don’t. But all that bullshit about wanting to be my mum (yeah fucking right some mother she’s been) just pisses me off because she always makes it plain that she favours her own daughter over me.
I’m really tired. And I want a cuddle. With a big cuddly guy who loves me (what else?) but it’s not gonna happen. So I’m going to bed. Alone. And I’m going to pretend. Just pretend the whole night but never opening my eyes so that the pretence can carry on. Just get the whole night through by pretending someone’s there.
In a way, I wish the night could last forever. I just feel like sleeping forever. I’m just so tired. I’m exhausted.
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