Goodbye To Sleep…
I think that staying up is exactly what I need…Today started off really badly…work was just a distraction. A displacement from reality, if you will. Got home, and they were still shouting at me. And I was still depressed. And I was still suicidal.
Not as suicidal as I was the other day mind, when I was like that close from OD’ing, but significantly so. I catch myself planning my exit at random moments.
It’ll be midnight soon. I don’t normally stay up this late, as a year ago I decided to get a regular bedtime so that I would sleep better (I used to suffer from terrible insomnia…much worse than it is these days…these days I’m just so knackered, there isn’t much room for insomnia, unless you count when I’m so depressed I wake up at 2am and start staring at the ceiling, or, even worse, start crying my eyes out.
At least when you stare at the ceiling you don’t feel anything. I’m sitting here in the dark, on my laptop, and listening to Brand New (you may have guessed from the first 14 words of this post, including the title, if you are a fan, that is)…
I turn 18 in 5 days. It’s surprising really. I didn’t expect to see 18. Now that may sound a little melodramatic, but, for all I’ve been through and the whole suicidal / once actually attempted suicide (long time ago) thing…
And I wish that I could tell you right now- I love you- but it looks like I won’t be around…you won’t know…
As much as I could tell him that I love him, it wouldn’t matter anyway. Because he wouldn’t give a fuck.
I can’t face sleeping, but I can’t face staying awake either. Life is full of so many complicated choices and decisions. And I’m a walking contradiction, which makes matters worse. Nope, not listening to Green Day- still Brand New, but that was just a fact…
I’m not excited about my birthday at all. The only reason why I’m counting the days off is because I know that as soon as I’m 18 I can move out anytime- it’s like a landmark for me, because it takes me closer to my actual leaving date of the 30th July…Also, I’m considering getting my tongue / lip pierced (can’t decide which) and my parents are super strict so I’d have to be 18 to get that done…also, I want to get my first tattoo…
Although I suppose in my current state of unstable mental health, it probably isn’t good for me to be making any major decisions such as body modification, seeing as even the smallest decisions phase me, and I keep changing my mind about everything, including whether I want to live or die…
The scars on my arms of when I last self harmed look nasty…you have to look to really see them…it’s not as if everyone notices…if you knew they were there you’d notice them…if not, you’d have to look really close…to me they’re so obvious and ugly…there are 3 long cuts that are prominent over the many others I have made…these 3 are the ones that I have had a horrible tendency to open up over and over again…I used to cut all over the arm, but then I would run out of space…eventually it just got down to those 3 scars…I would go through an episode (hate that word) of self harm, start feeling better, or, just stop self harming for a while. The cuts would start to heal, but then I’d just go crazy* again and rip them open. Over and over again.
My ex (the guy I’m still in love with) made me promise, when he saw them, never to do it again. And I haven’t since. Maybe because I made a promise to him, and he is special to me. Maybe because it’s summer. Although I have strong urges to self harm in summer, I frequently commit acts of self harm in the winter, when I can cover up without too many suspicious questions…perhaps because winter is known to make even regualar people feel depressed (think seasonal affective disorder) therefore I feel more depressed in the winter, like I feel even more depressed in the mornings, perhaps because all of my pent up trying not to self harm during summer just comes out in one big fat stressed urge in the winter…perhaps because I’m just weird like that.
*Not that I’m saying that people who self harm are crazy…what I mean is, I had this sudden, overwhelming urge to cut that I could not control…to me, my behaviour can only be described by saying ‘crazy’…I felt like I was crazy at the time, like I was completely out of control…
I have no idea why I’m sitting here typing this…I don’t post because I want to…I post because I just do…I don’t tell people the truth in real life…I don’t talk to them properly, I just lie my ass off so as to not upset them, not feel vulnerable (once I’ve opened up to someone, even my last mental health nurse person, I clam up and never speak to them again…I’ve ignored all her calls simply because I don’t want to speak to her again after opening up to her…I have a habit of doing this…a lot…), not to put them under any pressure, not to be a burden, you get the picture…
On the internet it doesn’t really matter. No-one knows who I am. No-one cares. I don’t have to worry about pouring my heart out. I have always communicated best through written words. All my deepest, darkest secrets have been spilled to my pen-friend over the internet. Things that I just couldn’t say out loud. It’s also quite reassuring (wrong word but who cares) to have my thoughts out like this…it helps get all the shit out…well, as much of is as possible…
I don’t know what I should do. I guess I will try stay awake for as long as I can, just so that I can end up so knackered I can sleep right through…what pisses me off is that it gets so light at 4am…I wish it would stay dark for much longer so that I could just sleep…
Maybe you post because somehow it’s just best to think somehow someone may just read it and even though they don’t KNOW you…it makes it easier because they can’t do anything…?
Don’t do stuff you will regret, and don’t bury yourself. Nothing’s worth hurting yourself over, and not telling anyone just hurts you worse. Trust me on that one. And you know…who said it would be a burden? If there was someone around I would rather say it than leave them a bigger burden: Wow…she was suicidal and I didn’t do a THING to help. Just saying. If someone did that to me I would wonder just how close we were, or tear myself up inside because I am obviously not good enough to know.
Work things out with yourself. Find better ways to let it out. And if you think no one cares, or myself: I wouldn’t have typed this up if I didn’t. So I guess that’s one more person that cares
Let it out, and help yourself get help. Talk. Work it out. Nothing changes out of a carving in skin except less skin and bleeding…So why not do something that WORKS?
Thanks for the share…I’ll be praying for you. And yeah, I mean it too.
Yeah…no-one who reads this can do anything about it, it’s just there. I just can’t tell people in real life. I’ll end up in a pysch ward or something, and although, I admit, that would give me the help I need, it’s not what I want, there are many issues I have with that sort of thing happening, which would take to long to describe here, so I will probably save it for another post.
I think it would be worse if people knew I was suicidal and couldn’t help. All the talking in the world won’t make me feel better. I’ve proved that to myself.
I wouldn’t want people to think they’re not good enough to know…the fact is, they’re just too good to know. It rubs off on other people. The first time I ever tried to do IT, my friends all got told (not by me) and 3 of them after that started talking about self harm and wanting to kill themselves.
I just don’t want this to rub off on anyone else. I don’t want others to feel how I feel right now.
Thanks, I can tell you care. Your time and thoughts are really appreciated
Thanks again x