It Took Me Two Hours To Get Up This Morning…

I was just laying there with the covers over my head thinking “No. Don’t want to get up. Don’t want to face the world. Why can’t everyone just fucking disappear or at least just leave me be?” Everyone is so noisy in the morning. There I am trying to pretend I don’t exist, and they’re stomping up the stairs, shouting, and coming into my room to get bathtowels (why is my bedroom always the one with the airing cupboard?)

I still can’t decide whether I’m happy I woke up this morning or not. Well what can I say? I’m depressed. I have trouble making decisions, and I have trouble feeling happy. So that’s probably why I can’t decide whether I’m happy I woke up this morning or not.

I need comfort. I am a sim lost in the world. I need a big cuddly guy who loves me to just hold me close and stroke my hair…I need him…but he doesn’t need me…and he doesn’t love me anymore…

I’ve started to feel pretty angry about my past this morning. He is getting pissed off with my suicidal-ness, but he doesn’t know the full story. I’ve been like this for a long, long time.

I remember thinking at 9 years old that I wanted to die. For reasons I won’t go into here. I thought God hated me, and was punishing me for something that I hadn’t even done wrong. I don’t believe in God anymore. Well, I do in a way. Part of me thinks yes, there is a God, but he hates me. He’s fucked me over too many times. So I’ll just fuck him over…I don’t want anything to do with him.

You don’t have to be religious to be a good person. And some of the most religious people are the nastiest people in the world (e.g. priests who sexually abuse innocent boys). I’d rather be a good person and non-religious than a bad person who is extremely religious.

~ by confessionsxofxaxteenagexrockxchick on July 9, 2008.