Last Night Was Just Plain Awful…

Scratch that. Yesterday was just plain awful. Everything started off ok, but then I got up. The rents don’t have a clue what’s going on with me at the moment so I have to pretend to be happy around them. That takes work. A lot of work. Generally I try to stay in my room as much as possible so that I can avoid all that crap.

I got to work, and I felt like I was in zombie mode. You know when you’re just going through the motions? You’re doing what you have to do, but it’s like you’re not even there? It feels like your head is barely attached to your shoulders.

There was this man that caught my attention. He came up and ordered a tea. Then came back like 10 minutes later and ordered another. Then another 10 minutes later or so, here he is again, wanting another tea. The third time he came up to me, he said sadly ”Do you think you’ll ever get married when you get older?” I looked pretty skeptical and said “No, probably not” he said “You already know too much then?” I was like “Yeah. Too much trouble”. His wife probably just left him or something. Poor man. I really feel for people who have had someone just walk out like that. Probably because I know how much it hurts. I’m only young, but I know what it’s like to find someone you really love. Someone who’s your exact type.

They put me on my break, and I was just sitting there, staring at the TV. Somone asked me a question. I guess I must have looked deep into that TV show, but I didn’t know the answer. Oh yeah I was staring at the TV. But I wasn’t seeing it. Next time I stare at the wall for 2 hours, don’t bother asking me what colour it is when I finally turn away because I won’t be able to tell you. And I don’t know what this staring thing is all about, but ever since I first started getting depressed, (well the first time I could actually remember – 4 years ago) I’ve just started staring into space for no apparant reason. There is evidence to suggest I was a depressed child, but I won’t go into that here.

So My break ended and there I was, zombiefied, but then I started thinking about him. He was supposed to come into work but phoned in sick. And I was just thinking. And then I burst into tears in front of all the customers and had to make a run for it to go empty the bins. My manager (the one I get along with really well) went “are you alright mate?” and I just nodded you know, and carried on walking. I do have long bangs, but I guess he still saw the tears and he followed me. Then I just broke down completely over the bloody bin compactor thing and he just stood there like “please talk to me, please” and I’m like “you know what’s up” and he’s like “well, still talk to me” and blah blah blah…

He got me to get a drink and take 5 minutes in the back room just to compose myself, or whatever the phrase is. Then it happened again. Tears. I said, and I’ve said it many times, I know, “How could someone just turn around and say they don’t have feelings for you anymore? Just like that?” He doesn’t understand either. The rest of the night was spent crying my eyes out, but it wasn’t long before we closed, so at least it wasn’t in front of them for too long.

It amazes me how many times people say “I’m so depressed because…” or “I’ll be so depressed if…” and then use stuff like “I didn’t have enough money for that new top I wanted” or “Arsenal beat Man U”. I heard this sort of comment yesterday at work at least twice. My 11 year old cousin even uses the phrase “oh I was so depressed…” She must have picked it up at school or something. It just trivialises, or glamourises the real problems that people have.

I got in, went on the internet for a few minutes, and I looked on his bebo profile. He’d written some poem about some unamed girl. I read it and immediately thought he liked someone else, and there I was, breaking down again. I sent him a text saying:

“You lied to me. There is someone else. It’s says so on your bebo. But who gives a fuck? You don’t. All that bullshit about being sorry. I hope I don’t wake up tomorrow. That would suit you fine too I bet. After all, I mean nothing. I’m just a waste of space to you. I hope you’re happy”

I turned off my light and laid in bed. Staring at the ceiling. Then my phone went off. He was calling me. He told me I was being paranoid. It turns out he wrote that poem for a girl who’s trying to get him off alcohol (he’s an alcoholic) and that’s all it is. Then he told me, not shouting, but in an angry tone of voice “not to say things like that you don’t want to wake up in the morning” I said I was sorry. There I am crying on the phone, and he’s breathing heavily because he’s been getting so angry lately. I said “I’m sorry, but…you have no idea…” he goes “I have no idea? These days I don’t even know who I am anymore. I’ve changed. I’ve been getting so angry and all that” He told me to go to sleep.

I cried myself to sleep, and I woke up all through the night. When I woke up, I felt like death, and it took me two hours of trying to get out of bed to actually manage it. For all you skeptics out there, I never understood how depression could stop someone from getting out of bed until it happened to me for the first time sometime last year. But it’s real.

 So here I am. I have to go into work at 4. I can’t be bothered to do anything right now. I don’t want to eat. But I know I have to, or my stepmum will get suspicious. I don’t want to drink. But I have to, or I’ll end up passing out and ending up in hospital. More questions. I don’t want to go to work, but my parents need £100 off me (I have £10 in my bank account…the little I had was spent on taxi fares at 11 o’clock at night after finishing work)…So if I don’t go to work, I get shit from work and home. My head hurts…I just want to go back to bed. Even if I don’t sleep. At least I won’t have to face anyone.

I have to walk past his house on the way to work…he lives in the road behind mine

~ by confessionsxofxaxteenagexrockxchick on July 8, 2008.