Citalopram, Cystitis, & Amazing Sex

It’s been a while. I haven’t felt like writing on here for a while now. A lot has happened since my last post. I got with my best guy friend, then ended it because I realised that there was no “spark”. I was just with him because he was a nice guy.

Then I got with this guy called Dave. I met him at my new job (well, new store but same fast food job as before). Things were really great, I really fell for him. He told me he wanted to marry me like every day. Then he broke up with me and got with the new girl at work. Asshole.

Cue no sleep at night, and I started throwing up three times a day for over two weeks. I started smoking to deal with the overwhelming anxiety. The doctor gave me some citalopram, and I’m still taking it, the anxiety is affecting my sleep, and I still feel sick and get shaky over the littlest things, but, he says it will get better.

There was this guy at my new store, who liked me pretty much as soon as he met me. I didn’t go out with him back then because I thought Dave was in it more for the long term (telling me he wanted to marry me, loved me so much etc) where James was texting me telling me that he was horny, so I chose Dave (I was attracted to them both).

Before Dave broke up with me James stopped talking to me a couple of times because he couldn’t deal with me being with Dave, and it turns out the James really really liked me. Some time after Dave broke up with me, and after having James supporting me throughout it all, even helping me find out what was going on with Dave and his new girlfriend, I decided to take the plunge and get with James, who is, a nice guy.

After being with someone who told me how amazing I was and who would “never let me go” constantly, but dumped me for someone else, I was/ sometimes still am reluctant to believe James when he tells me these things also. I accidentally told James that I loved him, after promising myself that I wouldn’t say it again, but it slipped out.

I still love Dave, but I am really happy with James. It’s been a month already and he seems happy. Nothing has changed since before we got together and now in regard to his feelings and the way he behaves with me. Turns out that he is the nicer, more sincere guy.

And the sex is absolutely amazing. =)

The only downside is I keep getting cystitis, but I’ve stopped drinking coke and have started drinking more water, so hopefully I won’t get it again. I’ve had it 4 times this year already!

I’ve started my second year of uni, and I work past midnight twice a week and full weekends, so I’m pretty tired all the time. Right now I’m feeling alright. I still get depressed, but right now, this minute, I am content.

Before It Might Have Made Some Sense But Now It’s All Fucked Up

I don’t understand myself at the moment. Or the constant shifting of state. Right now, I feel numb. And I have really bad period pain. And I ache all over. Last night I started drinking on my own just after midnight. I don’t know what compelled me to do so. The ex still isn’t talking to me. My best guy friend and I are still looking like we’re going to become an item. My head has been all over the place these last few days. I feel like I have everything and nothing to talk about. I don’t understand.

We Are No More…(again) 5th time I think… :(

It’s too much to go into and too painful for me to talk about right now. Although he didn’t officially break up with me, we haven’t spoken since he stormed out of his house, and phoned his mum to say he wouldn’t be coming back. However, I’m on the verge of entering a new relationship with my best guy friend. I am still very much in love with my ex but I need to try to move on…it is very obvious that he doesn’t feel the same way. To the people leaving me comments- thank you so much, they are appreciated, and read, of course, and I will get round to replying to each and every one, but I’m struggling even to write this. I am having annoying mood swings at the moment…Yesterday I was a bag of energy and brightness, until the late evening when I had my first panic attack in over a year…this morning I was a little low, then I was restless and agitated, and now I’m extremely down. I’m having trouble concentrating on things so I might not be writing that often… I’ll try though weezy x

Shiny New Me!

The new me does an hour and a half of exercise on the Wii Fit everyday. She has all these plans and ideas; the cogs in her brain are whirring away all the time. The days go by so fast. She goes out more;badminton, cinema, town, garden centre, you name it. She learns to drive for two hours a week- she stays up late and gets up early. She reads at least one whole book every day. Not a minute is wasted. She clears out her room at least twice a week to make sure that everything is in its place. She’s always doing something constructive.

It’s hard for her to concentrate on her coursework, and it’s hard for her to write every day; brain is just going too fast. But she knows that she’ll get things done by staying up late and writing 3000 words the night before it’s due in if she has to. She’s selling things on Ebay and has put her name down for a job. And the boyfriend loves her. It feels phenomenal! She doesn’t lay in bed for hours anymore, and she doesn’t feel the need to take 5-htp or use light therapy.

She feels happy, very happy, and oh so productive! Let’s hope she doesn’t go away!

We’re Back Together! (4th Time)

It’s amazing what a mini-skirt can do…nah, just kidding…I showed him my new skirt and it just provoked easy conversation…eventually we got onto having the most open and straight conversation we’ve ever had…we’ve decided to stick to it this time through the good times AND the bad. Saw the doctor this morning, he says I look better mood-wise (no kidding)…he’s told me to take paracetamol for the pain and try to take a walk every morning. I’m pleased to have got my new camera through the post, and have lots and lots of coursework to do for uni…I hope now I can finally concentrate on it!

I Can’t Say “Happy Mother’s Day” To My Mum…

It was 14 years yesterday since my mum passed away. It makes today difficult, Mother’s Day. It saddens me that I can’t tell her that I love her, or ask her things, or even see her. I really feel for Jade Goody’s sons at the moment…I couldn’t believe it when I was told that she passed away today…and I don’t really know what else to say about it…it’s a sensitive subject…I often wonder if my mum is looking down at me, and if she’s proud of me…what does she think of the choices I’ve made? What does she think of me?

A Waste Of Time…?

My days aren’t very eventful at the moment. Every Monday I get the train back to uni. I clean my room and try to avoid msn, negative thoughts, and thoughts about the ex. I can’t wait til bedtime. I sleep (thank god) and I dream…normally I set up something for myself to dream…all positive, even if not realistic. I go to some lectures, and skip others. I attempt to work. I attempt to write. On Wednesdays I either sleep in, go out for a walk, or go into the high street. Sometimes I come back home after uni on a Tuesday and go back to uni on the Wednesday evening. And the cycle starts again until I come home on Friday. When I’m at home I try to avoid msn, negative thoughts, and thoughts about the ex. I watch films, play on the ps2, and study for my Child Psychology course from ICS. Sometimes I do coursework for Uni. I walk the dog. But all I’m really doing is trying to fill the day. Just fill the day until I’m tired enough to sleep and dream. I just feel like my days are characterised by doing nothing. I spend most of my time shying away from negative thoughts, dodging depression and trying to be as constructive as possible. Is this living?

And sometimes I wonder why I’m here. If I’m just going to die anyway?

Ohh…And…

I’m not diabetic, hypoglycaemic or anything. However, the doctor has given me ibruprofen because he thinks that I have fibromyalgia (affectionately termed “fibro-my-fucking-algia by yours truly). So far it hasn’t helped take the pain away at all, and I’ve stopped taking it the last couple of days because of the possible pregnancy. Apparantly my kidneys are perfect. I don’t know how a simple blood test can detect that but it did. I was entertaining the idea of selling one on Ebay in order to pay off my student loan, but then I realised that selling body parts is illegal here (Maybe I should go to China?) I’m thinking about giving blood as well (I really want to find out my blood type too!) and I have my provisional driving licence through!

I think that’s all I forgot!

So Much Has Been Going On…

I have finally returned to uni. No-one really cared that I had been gone, so that’s ok. I have a lot of work due in at the moment though. I have also started a Child Psychology Diploma with ICS, and it’s actually more interesting than my degree.

I may be pregnant. I slept with my ex- bad I know but I assumed because he was being all nice to me for weeks and invited me over and started laying with his head in my lap and holding my hand that he wanted a relationship again! He made all the first moves too Then he asked me the other night if I’m pregnant, as he has this feeling that I am, and he was telling me how much he wants to be a dad…(men are so weird)…I just took a hpt and it came out negative. However, it’s only 16 days since we slept together and although I was on the pill I had a really nasty bug for a few days after, and I think that I ovulated. So, it still might be a little early…Anyone who reads my blog a lot (probably no-one) will know that I really want to be a mum

I also am having really bad cravings for pork pies (I’m vegetarian?!), heatburn, and the like. I have got my period but I read that women who get pregnant on the pill especially can experience “intermittent bleeding” and that some women have bleeding when they would normally get their period all the way through the pregnancy…

My flatmates and I all cleaned the kitchen together (well 6 of us did anyhow) and it was quite an interesting experience. It’s stayed very clean ever since. It was in a disgusting state. I’ve left my keys at home, so I have to get security to lock/unlock my door every-time I go in or out

And I’ve managed to buy two faulty vibrators in the last month. Both of which need taking back to Ann Summers at some point. Why is it always me? Am I a magnet for faulty sex toys??

Well, tbh that’s all I can do right now- I don’t have much motivation to write at the moment, but I will try to add more to this wasteful space of a blog soon.

I Have A Fasting Blood Test on Thursday

It has to be done, but, I hate fasting. Last time I fasted for a blood test I came over all faint. Now with this possible blood sugar problem this fast is quite a big deal; when I don’t eat I get irritable, I feel weak, and I have trouble speaking. Once it got to the point where I couldn’t even get up and make myself something to eat. Anyway, the doctor wasn’t the one I usually see, but nevertheless he was very friendly and approachable, which is what you want when you think that there is something wrong with you and you have to approach a doctor about it.

I am having the following tests:

- Full Blood Count
- Erythrocyte Sedimentation Rate
- Blood glucose result
- Urea and electrolytes
- Thyroid hormone tests

I briefly looked up some of the strange sounding ones. Luckily all these can be achieved with a simple blood test.